There are some days or weeks that are harder than others to manage. Some of those days aren't even the "bad" ones. They can simply be days when I feel my passion, my enthusiasm and my will slipping away. I have found that keeping up the same level of feeling and determination that I felt in the first month, the joy that I felt after seeing my first real results, is exhausting and very hard. I find myself going through the motions and being a little careless on those days. Then, there are some days that just renew that commitment and the joy so unexpectedly. Days that are inspiring and wonderful and hard and easy all at once. I love those days.
It has been a month of complete ups and downs. I was weighing in almost everyday and watching the numbers declining without too much stand still and no going back up. Then, I stopped taking a medication without my doctor's approval, and I started to "gain" weight rapidly. My frustration got the better of me, and while I have a funny story that I think most women can relate to, I still hated how much that water weight discouraged and frustrated me. My scale, after feeling it necessary for its own survival, placed a temporary restraining order on me and spent almost 2 weeks away from my house. I spent the time getting back on the medicine I had so rashly stopped taking and trying to relearn that real progress shouldn't be measured solely on some numbers on a digital instrument of torture. I was ready to be on my best behavior, to start walking regularly again (after yet another scare with my ankle that had already been hurting), and to look for my progress in additional methods. The scale decided it shouldn't torture me as much and that it should be on its best behavior. We were reunited on Wednesday. It hasn't been terrible.
One of the main reasons I was frustrated with the rising digital numbers showing up (and simultaneously the reason I decided to play nice and fight to win back my scale's trust) is because I had a weight goal, my first really big weight goal, that I wanted to reach before my mom came to visit. I saw her last night, and even though I haven't quite reached it, I am very close to reaching my goal. I realized yesterday that it wasn't sad that I had so narrowly missed it before I got to visit with my mom. Seeing my mom after so long apart and seeing the pride in her eyes at how far I have come already... It was one of those moments when both a sense of accomplishment and a desire to keep pushing and going forward meet inside. Those moments... It's like coming to a particular bend in the path that allows you to see just how far up the mountain you have climbed and how far you still have to go. It doesn't make you groan, knowing how far you are from reaching that mountain top view. It makes your heart beat faster with excitement, and the illuminating thought, "You CAN do THIS!" explodes through your whole body. It's like adding fuel to a fire and watching it blaze brightly, ensuring the fire won't die out anytime soon. I am now less than a pound from my first big goal I have set for myself. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep pushing forward. The past is in the past, and the future is waiting. I'm not going to let fear hold me back.
Also, I'm not going to lose sight of why I am doing this. For the first time in my life, I recognize and believe that I deserve, and firmly want, to be treated with more respect and love than I have ever given myself in the past. I want to believe that I can do anything. I want to get my head out of the cloud of possibilities and potential and start changing my perception of who I really am and what I can do. For so much of my life, I have encouraged others and believed for them, and in them, like I could not for myself. I think it's time I lead and encourage by example.
I want to thank you for reading this blog. I hope you all get as much out of it as I do. Clearing my head and writing it all down... it helps so much, and I'm glad that I get the opportunity to share it with anyone who wants to read it. I hope reading what I have to say helps because I want to help. If there is anything I can do, any topic you would like me to discuss or any specific type of encouragement you need, please let me know. I'm here, and I'm listening.
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