Tenacity

I struggled with what to write this week because it has been trying. I knew going without a scale would be hard because I had started weighing myself practically everyday. It has felt like I couldn't check my progress. That made me anxious... Especially because I strained my ankle when I was walking/jogging a 12 minute mile on Sunday. It was almost exactly 5 years ago that I strained the same ankle in Ultimate Frisbee. I haven't been able to take my walks because I didn't want to hinder the healing process. This has been a huge obstacle for me. I haven't been able to keep myself in check by weighing myself, so I have felt like I am blindly moving in the dark with no way to really know if I'm moving forward, sideways or backwards.

I still refused to give up even though so much of me wanted to jump ship at this point. I'm still terrified that despite how much effort and time I put into myself, I will still fail. In my life, I have lacked several virtuous traits. One is self control. Another is perseverance. 

According to Google:
Perseverance: noun steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

I can be a fearful person. I don't know why I believe that I will disappoint myself, but there is a part of me that almost expects me to fail. I have myself, my body, the opinions of others, and my whole life's experience before March 2014 set against me. This time, I want to persevere. I'm tired of living like this. A stronger part of me has found it's voice, and I'm standing up, saying that it doesn't matter if I "fail." It doesn't matter how many times I slip up. It doesn't matter what other people think or what I have experienced in the past. This is different. This time, if I fall, I'm getting back up. If I slip and hurt myself, I will heal and get back to it. This new part of me has been the strongest and loudest part of me for a while, but this week... This week was hard.

Since I couldn't take my walks, I have tried to cut back my calories to 1100 a day at most. I don't go hungry. I eat plenty of fresh vegetables, fruit and lean protein. I try to avoid too many carbs. I haven't been perfect, but I have been really watching what I eat. I have been trying to do as much upper body cardio as I can. Let me tell you, upper body cardio ain't no joke. It's harder than just walking, and I'm going to add upper body cardio one day a week even after I am back to walking like normal. Sunday I should be able to start taking longer, albeit gentle, walks. I think I'm going to have to rethink jogging. This makes me sad. I just don't want to hurt my ankle again.

I will say that even though some of the fiery passion for exercising, getting healthy and eating right has left me this week, I have had some awesome inspiration to keep at it. I feel like I'm in the dark, struggling to keep that small flame alive, so I can keep going, keep moving forward, no matter how slow that progress is. Still, others have come before me. The person who has inspired me so much, my muse so to speak, told me about how discouraging plateaus can be. If you aren't seeing the progress you would like, it can make your determination waver. My muse told me to keep looking for other signs of progress besides what the scale says. Are my clothes fitting like they were before? Do I have more energy? Do I have more muscle showing? These are all things that are tangible evidence of progress, but they can be easy to ignore, discount or take for granted. It really helped me take a step back and see how far I have come. I have gone down almost 3 sizes since last January, 1 1/2 sizes since March. I have more energy. I have muscle I didn't have before. I have lost inches. I might be going slower than I want. I might not be able to weigh myself and see the progress (even if it says I'm moving backwards), but I see it in other ways. After all, this truly inspiring person kept at it even through the discouragement, and they are proof that perseverance works.

Another thing that has helped me has been writing this blog. It helps me get a clear picture of where I am and what is next for me. I might not accomplish my first big goal in the time frame I wanted, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to persevere. I'm going to fight for what I want, no matter how much I feel like giving up. This is too important, and I want this more than I want to stay stuck, alone and afraid in the dark in complacency. The time is now. Hello, tenacity, one of the characteristics of fire that I have been missing. Where have you been all my life?