The Struggle

Did I ever tell you about the time that my scale broke my heart, so I tried to break its face? Oh, that's right. That was today.

Today, this whole week, actually, has been a struggle. I have been on 2 blood pressure medications for a while. I had run out of one, but the prescription was renewed just over a month ago. I started to notice that I was getting extremely lightheaded, especially when I would stand up after sitting down for a while. I started checking my blood pressure more often, and discovered it was starting to get too low because I have been exercising so much. I should have called my doctor, but I just made the decision to stop taking the 2nd medicine altogether. I didn't think about it being a diuretic (some would call it a water pill).

I stopped losing weight. In fact, I gained weight back. Not just a pound or two. Eight. Eight pounds in less than a week. I can tell that I'm retaining water because my feet, ankles and hands are pretty swollen. I know that most, if not all, of this extra weight is water weight. I realize that my clothes still fit me better, and it is awesome that my blood pressure is going down so much. One of my big goals is to get off blood pressure medication altogether. I'm on my way to that. I know all of these good things. I look at my face in the mirror, and I see it. I'm happier with myself, generally, than I have been in years, but this week has been a test and trial for me. I can't even honestly say if I'm going to make it through this week with the same amount of determination I had before because when that scale and its innocent looking blue digital numbers stabbed me in the heart with the number it gave me this morning, I didn't remember the good. I felt like a failure, like I had made no progress whatsoever. I felt the familiar feeling of being stuck in a body that seems to hate me. Feeling betrayed by an inanimate object sucks, and so I stomped on that scale until the screen went blank. Maybe a little over dramatic, but I felt it was justified.

That sucker still works, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My bad week isn't just about my battle for my health and a better future. It is also because I think I'm heading into my first real menstrual cycle in over a year. Plus, I felt very sick to my stomach today, and work... Work wasn't great. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and work equals stress. I am planning on a very early night tonight to help with the sleep situation. I'm very lucky that I had a heart to heart pep talk with the greatest person ever already today.

Before my pep talk, I wasn't going to write this blog. I was going to struggle and suffer all on my own, quietly in some corner of my house, rocking back and forth telling myself that I really did kill my scale, so it is going to be all okay. I'm grateful that I didn't do that. However, my scale and I both feel like we need some emotional and physical space, so it is going away for 2 weeks. I can concentrate on making those good decisions for me and my life, and it gets a nice vacation. I took an awful picture of me in my splotchy, tear stained state, and called it the best picture of me yet because I am the best me I have ever been. I allowed myself to feel loved, supported and cherished. I took a few moments to reflect on some really good advice and encouragement, and I relearned an important lesson.

If you don't struggle and fight for the good things in your life, you will never appreciate them enough. You will never know an exhilarating sense of accomplishment. I'm not saying you will be miserable or that you won't accomplish anything, but just imagine: You fight. You struggle. You fall down, get up, brush yourself off, and keep going. You obtain your goal. You refuse to take the consolation prize, and you don't give up. You overcome. That has to be worth it. I can't say that I have had many mountain tops in my life, but I know how awesome they are. That is another good reason to keep going. I am a work in progress, and the struggle is important. I will keep fighting, keep struggling and keep going until I find the way to my mountain top view. I started in a valley, and I'm struggling to find the right path that leads me to the top. I owe it to myself to find that path.

Morale of the story:

Anyone who says that losing weight is easy, that it isn't all that hard, is just selling something. Do yourself a favor and don't buy into it because any goal you set, the ultimate mountain top you want, isn't going to be easy to obtain... but it will be worth all the time, effort and especially the struggle.